March 16th: Red Maranth

I wasn’t going to write this “today” (today meaning yesterday 3/15) but here I am at 2:47AM after a solid half hour of crying my eyes out and thinking. Yea, today you have to write this. There is no more procrastination. There is nothing but pouring yourself into what you love.

I — if you all don’t know — am a college student, who just finished all her finals and wanted nothing more than to spend money on myself

I am plus sized and full of myself. Gorgeous, tall, and a need for a fashion sense. I am limited in stores that allow me to exist and find myself shopping in stores that I try so hard not to support.

The one and only store I end up in that night was Forever 21. Unruly and anxiety filled. The plus size section is up one floor on a broken escalator, tucked in the corner and unkempt. Going to a store where no one looks like you and all the clothes meant to fit you feel tight and strange is a feeling I’ve always had. The idea to not feel inadequate in a space not designed for me is difficult. When you are surrounded by the feeling of not fitting in, what can one do but feel undeserving. There is nothing I love more than looking good but when anything made for me is three times as expensive or just nonexistent then the day of self-love seems pointless.

BUTT MY DEARSSS. Please stick with me. 

I own this plant called a Red Maranth. My roommates and I purchased it with no instructions and nothing but a will to keep it alive. There was one instruction online. No direct sunlight.

S

     O

We put it on the kitchen table. It did not look happy. We placed it on the windowsill. it started to wilt. We put it on the table next to the window and it still continued to wilt. Defeated and exhausted, I — like many other times in my life had an epiphany. I took it into my dark room. Plopped it on my table, watered it, closed my door and left. Came back at night, sang it a song, and fell asleep.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,,,,,,, IT GREW

This is a plant unlike any other. In the dark, it has continued to grow. It has defied the other things that make its fellow plants happy. It wilted till it found its happy place. You are a Red Maranth . . . .Prayer plant.

You are your own special growing place. There is no set way to grow. There is no secret to thriving. Find your soil and light. I have learned…

When the world continues to try to put me down I remember that I am the girl in this photo. This is the way this amazing photographer @alexzamdra saw me and for that I am immensely grateful. I am my own biome of living things. I will not allow this world to squelch who I am.

I can sit here, crying and listening to poetry, wishing I could rip out of my skin. But no, I want to be my own lover. My own Don’t conform to fit the world. Pretty soon they will find that being one of a kind is your superpower.

For all that feel that the world is trying to shrink them… you are right… fight back. I am fighting back with you.

To do list:

  1. Love you and yours
  2. Follow this insta
  3. Let me know what you do with self-love
  4. Pray that I upload on time
  5. See you Sunday

 

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